


tones

by yanak324



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Rebuilding, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14519457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanak324/pseuds/yanak324
Summary: Steve. Natasha. And the reassurance of life in the after. Spoilers for Avengers: Infinity War.





	tones

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen Infinity War, read at your own risk, but also, please go see it. You won't be disappointed :)

xxx 

The room they’ve given him is half submerged in darkness. The other half is illuminated by the moonlight streaming in through the open curtains. 

The floor to ceiling windows face East, away from the ruin of the battlefield. 

It’s just as well. Steve doesn’t need the physical reminder of their failure, not when it plays on an endless loop in his head. 

From Thanos’ near fatal blow to Bucky’s confused plea, it’s all he’s seen and thought about for the last ten hours. 

The guilt is inevitable. For not planning ahead. For not keeping better tabs on Wanda. For not protecting Vision better. For bringing the fight to this beautiful, unblemished place. 

Sam would argue that even the man with the plan couldn’t have foreseen this outcome, couldn’t have prevented it. But Sam’s not here. 

Sam is gone, disintegrated into ash just like Bucky, and Wanda, and God knows how many others…

The thought sends a wave of nausea through him. He has to plant both hands against the windows to keep from falling to his knees. 

A rushing sound floods his head and it feels like the ground is rising up to swallow him…he almost wishes it would. 

“Steve?” 

The question makes it through the maelstrom he’s in, anchoring him if for a moment. 

Her soft tone, rife with concern and dare he say affection, is reminiscent of the last two years. 

It’s the way she’s always said his name, up until the moment he answered the burner phone he’d sent Tony ages ago. After that, not a trace of Natasha Romanoff remained. 

The Black Widow emerged in her stead, because Thanos meant one hell of a fight and fighting was the Black Widow’s specialty. 

Steve has always admired Natasha’s ability to compartmentalize. He’s not quite as adept at it, which is why he doesn’t hesitate reaching for her as soon as she’s within arm’s length and holding on for dear life. 

He only realizes moments later that she has said his name again, this time prefaced with an “oh” of surprise, or maybe as a sign of her own grief. 

Natasha responds in kind, holding on tighter than she’s ever done before. 

When they finally separate, his lips unconsciously brushing a phantom kiss across her cheek, he sees a very nearly impassive Natasha. A few cuts and bruises, but otherwise unaffected.

And maybe that’s all some would see, were it not for how brightly her green eyes shine with unshed tears. 

Steve rakes his mind for words that would alleviate her anguish, but he draws a blank. 

“Have you reached Clint?” He asks instead, running a thumb across the bottom of her lip.

Her eyes dart away from his for long enough to make him wonder if perhaps it wasn’t the right question to ask. 

“He’s alive. The kids are too…but Laura.” 

Her voice tapers off and he instantly cups the back of her head and pulls her against him again. 

“Oh damn, Nat. I’m so sorry.” 

It feels like this is all he’s been saying since the battle ended, but he’ll repeat it a thousand times over if it helps lessen her ache. 

Even though, he doubts it would. 

Another thought comes to him, but he dares not admit out loud. It’s too terrible to even think. 

Instead, sensing her growing discomfort, he gives her one last squeeze before giving her some space.

Natasha has always been the less tactile of the two, even with his thing between them – he’s still the more physically affectionate one. 

And that’s fine, because she’s here and that’s all that matters. He’ll give her all the space she needs, so long as she stays alive and in his vicinity. 

Now that the rush has cleared, Steve wonders how he went so many hours without her.

They’ve never been apart for more than one or two days in the past two years. Not since she helped him break the others out of prison. 

Thoughts of the rest of the team cease his wanderings. 

“What about Scott? Has anyone heard from him?” He clears his throat, trying to quell the sudden onslaught of anxiety.

Natasha shakes her head, “nothing yet, but I actually came to find you because Bruce, Rhodey and I were just talking. We think it’d be a good idea to contact someone at S.H.I.E.L.D.” 

Up until now, the sudden reappearance of Bruce Banner hasn’t given Steve much pause. But now, in the aftermath of crisis, as much as he hates himself for it, the tiny seed of jealousy has sprouted. 

Even though there are more pressing matters. 

“S.H.I.E.L.D? There’s nothing left of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

“According to Rhodey, there is. Tony had nearly cracked the secret location of their new headquarters. The files should be in his office at the compound. We just have to go get them.”

If mention of Bruce sprouts jealousy, mention of the younger Stark nearly chokes Steve with full grown vines of guilt and remorse. 

“Tony? I thought he had retired.”

Seeing Natasha’s eyes roll instantly warms something inside him. It takes him back to _before_ , before Sokovia, the Accords, before Thanos wiped out half the universe with a snap of his fingers. 

“Please, like that man could ever actually be okay with not knowing something. His ego wouldn’t allow it.” 

Something about that statement is so utterly true and devastating at the same time. 

Tony Stark does not give up or surrender easily. It’s the only reason Steve still has some hope left that maybe somehow Tony is still out there, still alive and not ash.

If he is, then Steve knows the first place he’ll go is the compound.

“Okay, when do we leave?”

“Shuri is running some tests on Bruce to see if there’s a physiological reason the big guy refuses to come out, but she’ll be done by morning.”

His admiration of the Wakandian people in the wake of such a tragedy and loss is superseded by his reaction to the mention of their former colleague. This time, Natasha notices. 

She appraises him silently, eyebrow slightly quirked and waiting for an explanation Steve isn’t sure how to give. 

_Hey, in the midst of a cosmic genocide, I’m feeling a bit insecure about the reappearance of your ex, whom I don’t think you’re actually over_ just doesn’t seem like an appropriate admission to make at the moment. 

But it’s true. Steve can no more escape it than he can quell the rising fear that maybe this entire thing between them has been a blimp in their history. Just a way to pass the time and stifle the loneliness.

A part of him is ashamed that he’s even allotting mind space to this pettiness during such a terrible fallout, but his thoughts simply will not let go. 

He stares mutely at Natasha, silently pleading with her to understand, asking for a pardon from the inevitable discussion, because he can’t have it right now. 

It might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and shatters him to pieces. 

Their standoff lasts for a few more minutes until finally, Natasha gives in. Her arms drop from where they were folded across her chest and she looks down at the floor for a second. 

“I’m not going to lie to you and say that seeing him again left me completely unaffected.” 

Something stammers in Steve’s chest then, a knot of unease forming as he braces himself for the expected blow…

But it doesn’t come. Instead, he feels the warmth of Natasha’s hand on his bare forearm as she steps into his space. 

He doesn’t want to lock eyes with her but is grateful when he does, because it immediately puts him at ease. 

“But it doesn’t change how I feel about you.” She takes another step towards him, her hand sliding up his torso and winding around his neck to meet the other. 

“If anything, it reminds me that you’re the one who’s always been there. The one who wasn’t afraid- “

Steve doesn’t let her finish. Banding an arm around her waist, he nearly lifts her off the ground before pulling her into an overdue kiss. 

It feels like salvation, like the absolution he so desperately needed. 

The softness of her lips, the quiet expelling of breath, the tip of her tongue brushing against the seam of his mouth, it’s both too much and not enough. 

He buries his hand wrist deep in her short blond hair, and the startling difference in length – this cut is fairly new – brings him back to the present, to the somber reality of where they are and why they’re here.

And more importantly who isn’t with them. 

The knot of unease returns, making it difficult to breath and forcing him to break the kiss abruptly. 

He buries his face in her neck, a weak attempt to hide from the wretched truth of their circumstances. 

It’s then that the forbidden thought strikes again – and this time, Steve doesn’t shove it away. 

He doesn’t want to fight it. 

There won’t be many moments like this between them in the near future, not with everything that needs to be done…the entire universe to be restored.

So, he savors this one, allows himself this one small reprieve. Lifting his lips to her ear, he utters the words that have been plaguing him since she stepped into the room. 

“I’m so glad you’re here.” 

It’s nearly inaudible, his whisper, but the way Natasha freezes and then instantly relaxes lets him know that she heard him loud and clear. 

When she rises up on her tip toes and kisses his cheek softly before settling back into his embrace, Steve knows that she feels it too…both the relief and guilt. 

Survivor’s guilt, they call it, but Steve has felt some version of that before, and this feels different.

Because _it is different._

This isn’t simply regret over the past and the innocents they could have saved, it’s them mourning for a future that may never come. 

One he’s not sure how to salvage. 

Yet, even with all that – the uncertainty, the fear of the unknown, the worry that Thanos could return at any moment and do even more damage – Steve knows that he and Natasha still have each other’s back. 

That gives him the first bit of real comfort he’s felt since seeing his oldest friend in the entire world disintegrate before his very eyes. 

It also prompts him to kiss her again…now as much in gratitude as in desire. 

He rests his forehead against hers afterward, collecting his thoughts and catching his breath. 

When he opens his eyes, the small smile Natasha gives him feels like everything. 

She grasps his hand, twining their fingers together and pulls him to the spacious bed pressed up against the corner of the room. 

“C’mon, we only have a few hours before we leave, and I, for one, would really like to spend as much of that time sleeping as I can.” 

Steve follows without question, because he knows one thing is certain regardless of what reality they live in.

He’ll follow this woman anywhere. 

After all, she’s never steered him wrong. 

xxx


End file.
